8.28.2006

Ode To A Chemistry Teacher

A buddy of mine sent me an email some time ago reminding me of the unique gift of a teacher we had in high school...

Scott Ausbrooks was the Chemistry teacher at my alma mater - Sheridan High School. He had a real way with words. I found a list of Mr. Ausbrooks' quotes in an old year book. I thought you might get a kick out of them. Imagine a heavy set, bearded man delivering them in a dead pan voice to a bunch of rowdy high school students...I must say I've been the recipient of several of these remarks.

Here are the quotes - and I've included some old yearbook photos to help you "picture" these timeless words! Since high school, I've had the privilige of getting to know "Scott" as a friend, including several hunting trips with him. He's never lost his touch! He is currently hiding out at Harmony Grove High School near Benton, Arkansas.


Quiet, you children of the corn.

You're a quality individual with dynamic proclivities.

What a muldoon!

I'll keep that in mind as I give you your "F."

Have a large time.

You've obviously mistaken me for someone who has money.

Out in the road ditch.

Y'all are blabbin', blabbin', blabbin'.

Must have been some mutant troll.

Flit, flit, flit.

Park your carcass.

Close your cake-holes, there's no cake here.

Control your animal urges until the bell rings.

It's as hot as a fried owl in here.

I don't care! You can put wads of paper on the back of your Elvis Presley jacket and call it the Appalachian Mountains if you want to!

Dumb as a sled-load of mud.

Well, what are you going to do, take away my birthday?

The amount of extra work I am going to give you may rival the Old Testament.

Anybody with one eye and half sense knows that.

Long as a wagon rut.

Now why'd you do that? You must have gone coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.

You can do anything you want to. You can jump up and down and spit out marbles for all I care.

Study until you croak...then study two more hours.

Would you like to leave now, or wait two seconds?

I'll give you thirty minutes to quit that.

The Earth is a large place. My classroom is only one tiny corner of the Earth. Perhaps some other tiny corner would be better for you to inhabit right now.

Going to school doesn't make you a student any more than crawling into an oven makes you a biscuit.

22 comments:

iamchief said...

I sent this blog to Scott Ausbrooks, and he read it. Apparently he can't figure out this blogger comment thing...go figure - he can tell you the age of every rock in the Grand Canyon and balance any chemical equation, but he can't figure out how to leave a comment on blogger! :o)

Anyway, he had this to say - and I quote (again):

"Heavens to Murgatroid! I've been blogged."

Anonymous said...

Scott couldn't even read your blog since he's behind the state's firewall. Commenting on your blog was technically impossible for him.

iamchief said...

Ok, ok...I'll cut him some slack. :o)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh...that was priceless!!! Gotta love the Ausbrooks quotes...what memories!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh wow, that brings back memories! I love it, I love it!

Kristin (Webb) Walker

Anonymous said...

He used to turn his head to the side and look at me out of the corner of his eye and say, "Flynt, don't be giving me no flak."
I barely passed Chemistry I and needed another credit in the 12th grade so I took Chem II because I liked him so much. Before the first semester was over he called me to his desk and said, "Flynt, what are you doing in this class? You don't belong here..." He was right, so I switched to Office Tech class in the second semester. Mr Ausbrooks was my favorite teacher though. I really miss him. If we do have a reunion we should invite him. Kathy Flynt James

Aaron said...

Good memories Kathy!

I remember getting a "A" in Chem II our senior year - 100% to be exact. I knew this wasn't right so I approached Ausbrooks & asked him. He explained that he graded on the curve & I set the curve! My original grade: 80%. You may all thank me for this! :o)

Here's another quote to add to the list. Ausbrooks just sent this to me via Facebook in response to the SHS Class of 88 blog:

"I have one suggestion- mix cheese with sand and see if that clogs your blog."

Anonymous said...

Oh, that curve explains how I passed! That and Lee Shaw doing the labs. Did you set the curve for Physics too? I also remember Mr. Ausbrooks calling me "colonel" for a year or two. Now I know why I call my kids "children of the corn" sometimes. Eventhough, I never saw that movie.
-Christie Romine Speak

Aaron said...

You're welcome for passing Christie! :o) I don't think I ever took Physics. I's too stupid.

I call my kids "children of the corn" too!

Anonymous said...

I'm just thankful some of my teachers liked my older brother Chuck who was co-captain of the football team his senior year '73/'74. Coach Robinette (remember drivers' ed?) used to call me "Nez" after my brother. I'll never forget the first day of Earth Science in 9th grade. Mr. Ausbrooks asked me if I had an older brother named Chuck. I knew it was going to be a great year when he told me he used to look up to Chuck in football. I believe that was the only science class I ever got an "A" in, and truthfully it is still the only one I ever really enjoyed! Thanks Mr. A! Aaron, I loved revisiting all the quotes. Thanks for that.--Melissa "Nez" Nesbitt

Anonymous said...

just wanted to add that I too think Mr Ausbrooks was priceless as a teacher...what a great guy..his old lines still make me laugh..was SHRON on there? oh and (ill butcher this) ..."no need to be lacrimose over decanted lacteal fluid" ie no use crying over spilled milk...for some odd reason i recall that from 9th grade earth science) Patrick Moltz (no i didnt bother to create an account)

Anonymous said...

In response to Pat Moltz's comment I would just like to say, "Cleave graminous matter while the orb of the day is refulgent." Or perhaps- "It is impossible to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers." signed S. Ausbrooks

Anonymous said...

All joking aside however, as I view the comments that are written here, it does my heart good to know that I am remembered fondly by some. There are not many rewards for teachers now days. The gigantic paychecks help some but these comments have made it all worthwhile. Thank you all for being a great, great class.
S. Ausbrooks

Aaron said...

[begin sentimental sap]

Perhaps I represent everyone here when I say that it speaks even more highly of Ausbrooks to say that even though he was a favorite teacher (if not THE favorite teacher), he was NOT the easiest teacher.
I.e., we love him because of who he was...not because of what he could give us.

[end of sap]

Anonymous said...

I can only add that "the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan will not reach 100 degrees Celsius." Or, a watched pot never boils. Just like Pat Moltz, I've had certain Aubrooksian language stuck in my head since 9th grade Earth Science. ... Andy Mayberry

Pam (Hill) Arpin said...

I seem to recall him telling me he was going to smack a wart on my head!

Anonymous said...

I took Chem I, Chem II, and physics (so I had Mr. A twice a day senior year). Now I'm a chemistry professor ... go figure! Anyway, I still remember the physics experiments like walking arm in arm down the football field to find a lost arrow - it would be a Friday with a home football game. Anyone else remember him playing the "Locomotion"? - Renee (Holmes) Cole

Anonymous said...

Although I'm not from your class, I graduated in '86, I'm interested in knowing if any of you were "scum sucking fishheads from the bottom of the creek" or if "you have kind hair? The kind you find on a dogs butt"? Gotta love that man. He's the reason I do what I do today. Love ya Scott!
Kari Shea

Anonymous said...

When I substitute, I often borrow from his phrase book. I never realized how often until I read those quotes. Maybe I started subbing just so I could pretend to be Mr. Ausbrooks.
Robert Welch, official mutant troll

darnold23 said...

These are hysterical. I will have to borrow some for my classroom.

Anonymous said...

he was the only teacher that really seemed to care about the individual "other individual classmen" and he was the reason i moved on to my field. Thanks Scott! You told me I could do it!! Rich

Anonymous said...

As one of the original compilers of this list of "Ausbrooks Familiar Quotations" I am please to see that my work in recording the wisdom of this great man was not in vain. However, the yearbook committee seems to have omitted several from the full list. Here are some that were left out:

- Hello, Syrup of Ipecac!
- Well, that’s what happens when you’re dealing with people who have the brains of mentally ill mosquitoes.
- Go for it with all the vigor of a raging coon dog.
- How do you bother me? Let me count the ways.
- It gives me great grief.
- We don’t need any comments from the goof section over there, either.
- Would you like to sand this floor with your eyes?
- All excuses are lies.
- The mentality of my fifth period class is approximately equal to that of the arachnid family.
- You’re not short. You’re just vertically challenged.
- There’s enough of them to burn a wet mule.
- He must have constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
- Tardiness is next to goofiness.
- Oh, you’d gripe if you was hung with a new rope.
- I ought to part your hair in the middle with an ax.
- You can soar with eagles, but chickens never get sucked into jet engines.
- Trash off!
- She’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
- He's so bucktoothed, he could eat peanuts out of the bottom of a Coke can.
- You have to understand, these are people who think I play on my tricycle out in the freeway.
- Who will stand with me and be counted among the mutants?
- Study like a beast and do not fail to become studious!
- Bunch of hippie-freakin' dope-smokin' morons!
- I'll step on your eye.